Why Men Hate Weddings

A warning to all men thinking of getting married

Having just suffered a big, fancy, expensive wedding, I thought I had better sound the warning for all the prospective grooms out there. Because nothing emasculates a man like going through a wedding ceremony.

One of the first things that I noticed is that the guy doesn’t get a song. What do they play to celebrate the occasion? “Here comes the bride!” What about the groom? It’s so unfair. A friend suggested “Another One Bites the Dust,” as the groom’s song. Or 'Under Pressure'. Freddie Mercury understood.

And then there’s the Best Man. Is it the groom? No, it’s his friend. Someone please tell me why a guy can’t even be the best man on his own wedding day!

Other forms of bias are when people refer to the wedding as ‘Her Big Day’, and the fact that the guy is the bridegroom, but the woman is simply the bride.

Now, women love weddings, because they get to go shopping for lots of stuff. I decided to be non-traditional and follow along to help her pick out her wedding dress. Big mistake!

We spent four days looking at dress shops and each one was full of nice, white dresses. Each time she tried one on and asked me what I thought, I replied, ‘It’s nice.’ This approach got me into a lot of trouble because, apparently, I wasn’t trying hard enough. I was stumped; the dresses all looked the same to me and they all looked nice. After all, if they weren’t nice, the shop wouldn’t sell them.

Anyway, after four days of dress shops, my fiancée decided that none of the dresses were nice enough and she would have to get one specially designed.

Then I went into a tuxedo shop and picked one out within five minutes.

Then there’s the money issue. Foolishly, I bought an expensive ring (which she didn’t like) and booked an expensive honeymoon in Spain. I figured I easily had enough left over to cover the rest of the costs. Wrong again! Have you ever had a hole in your pocket? Well I had one in my bank account. To top it all off, she decided that the furniture in the new house was ‘not nice’ and that we should throw it away and get new ones. Kaching!

Of course, my ideal wedding would be the drive-through in Vegas. What guy wouldn’t want to be married by ‘The King’? I was smart enough not to even suggest it.

With all this wedding turmoil going on, the best advice of all came from my dear old mom. She said the man’s wedding duties are simple: Just turn up sober and shaved, with a ring.

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